Some things creep up on you without you noticing: crows feet, dried apricots(*), JWs. Christmas should not be one of those things. It’s big, it’s shiny, it’s loud. It starts in October. Yet here it is, the day before the week before the year ticks over, and I didn’t see it coming. There are many possible reasons for this, but the culprit, I think, is denial. Christmas is not so much about unwrapping things as wrapping them up. Projects are suppose to be done. They’re still not. But I’ve ten days left, more or less, so no reason to panic just yet.
“Ten” puts me in mind of a listicle, the go-to for attention-poor readers. So here are ten things that will genuinely help you out of any rut you’re in: any emotional difficulty, crisis of faith, or existential angst. As a mark of my sincerity, I’ve taken them from a trusted source: Random Word Generator.
Let’s begin.
1) Advocate
This one’s quite seasonal. It’s a professional in the field of law. In the UK, that might be a solicitor or barrister (the “barnets and boarding school” brigade). The dutch word is “Advocaat”, which in turn is my word for sweet eggy heaven. Eggnog. See? The implicit mention of Christmas (“seasonal”) and explicit mention of the birthday boy’s gaff (“heaven”). We’re off to a good start.
2) Season
Hm, a random words curveball(**) here. This isn’t a reference to the festive season, or indeed anything meteorological, but seasoning. Yes, the magic you do to that nice dish of food to make it slide down extra well. Also, Cicero (quoting Socrates): “Cibi condimentium essa famem” — The best seasoning for food is hunger. (He’s not wrong, but I draw the line at Curry Wurst — I’d rather starve.)
3) Presence
My best mate from way back when’s dad used to always make this Star Wars themed joke in December: “Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas. I’ve felt your presence.” Ah, still brings a smile to my face …
4) Nap
The fastest, most bestest way out of many crises of the mind: go have a lie down. Also, a more dramatic solution for dealing with persistent irritants: a dirt nap.
5) Module
Whether glued onto the International Space Station or slid into a science GCSE, a module is a little packet of standardised goodness that fits into something more needy. The manger was a module for the stable. The baby Jesus, a module for the straw. And of course, a module for us all(***).
6) Rear
A place you enter if you’re either well known or shady. Also, a thing you do to animals to make them big. Doesn’t work on children, for whom rear is an area that attracts a hand or slipper if they’re misbehaving.
7) Ride
A classic Old English word brought over by the Saxons during the Migration Period of c.300-600 CE. During those hirsute days, many a marauder would brag and say, “D’you fancy a little ride on my boat?” Oh, how they loved the water. Things came to a head with the invention of salted fish. One well-provision day, a fleet set off for a jolly jaunt and followed the sun till they bumped into Britain. The rest, as the Romans say, is history.
8) Ambition
See “Ride”, above. No one crosses the North Sea on an open boat unless they really want to. See also “Advocate,” in the sense of alcohol. Ambition oft begins on a bench in a tavern.
9) Inch
The bane of Europeans, who often ask me Why?!” Somewhat ironically, it comes from the Latin uncia (twelfth part). That’s right, it’s from the continent. A classic case of Nothing to do with me, mate if ever there was one. Also exchangeable for miles on a one-to-one basis.
10) Buy
Oh, now we’ve arrived at the heart of Christmas. Nothing brings people together like tat and a cash register. But let’s not be cynical. The deeper meaning of “buy” at this time of year is the sense of “procure the loyalty and support of,” as in “follow me and live forever.” Remember kids: gods are for life, not just for Christmas.
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(*) The craving for, not the fruit itself. Unless you live in the world of Animate Fruit, in which case, tell the cherimoya I’m not going back (you know the one).
(**) A French term derived from the game of Boules, original written “cuvée boule”.
(***) I’m a Registered Atheist™. Your views, like mine, may vary.
